091611

“It's hard to win, easy to lose
We play a game we cannot choose
As steady as a rocking horse, as subtle as a bruise.”

“Life is a game, boy. Life is a game that one plays according to the rules.” This used to be one of the worst quotations I had ever seen in my life, at least I thought so. It was mostly because Mr. Spencer said this, and partly because I hated the word ‘rules’ used up there. “Following the rules” ties you to stay in the same position all the time.  Perhaps what I play now, one of the many games that are included in the big game called life, is the hardest one ever. I want change. And that is the game.

I am confused. I have always been confused about how the whole society works. Whenever I try to find out something that happens around the world, even just this small country, I feel the same thing over and over: this is not right. I used to abhor Korean government to such an extent to write about their brutality as the topic of my last term-paper for Mr. Johnson’s class. But, though I still think they are wrong, I changed my way of thinking a little bit. It is not just about the government and the president functioning in a wrong way, but the whole society.

I live in dorms. In this small dormitory society, everyone is overly interested in one another. Even for the least important things, they take care a lot, a bit too much. Students always spread rumors, and so do the parents of the students here. It’s their biggest pleasure of life. People are all the same. They think of themselves so much that they are always afraid of getting hurt from others. Spreading rumors is one of the ways to prevent from getting hurt; at least that’s what they do.

About four months ago, this May, I was literally “in love” with one of the seniors. It was more likely I worshipped him. Whatever he did looked so right, and I wanted to be like him. I still don’t know exactly why. And there was this friend of mine, whom I trusted all the time, called A. Of course A knew all about how much I admired that senior. I think she wanted to play around a little bit. She told the senior that I liked him and wanted to go out! This was never how I thought of him. He was more like a model figure of mine. Somehow, he got mad at A, and told her to stop, saying some bad words. A got extremely scared and started to lie. She kept telling him I forced her to say that to him and stuff. This was the saddest moment I have ever had, not because she was playing around, but because I realized I was not such a big deal for her. She could just sell my name whenever she wanted to, knowing I trusted her the most.

Others in the dorm were busy spreading this rumor all around. I was suddenly a “such-a-weirdo” in one short day. Though my relationship with that senior broke up, that was not a problem for me. The important part was I lost my friend, trustworthiness of her. Some could say this would not be a big deal for teenagers, but it really was, for me. The world I used to live in turned into a completely different one. Since then, I feel like I should not trust anyone in the world. And from this one little incident, I could understand why this world works this way, in a wrong way. There is this hidden rule in the society, the rule people never promised to follow, but was formed naturally.

People don’t trust each other. They just can’t do that. Although they try to look as if they do trust others, it is just a way to form good relationships. In the end, people go for themselves because they are afraid of “what if others betray them?” Thus they betray others first, not to get the bruise from being betrayed.

Game is not always something that you have to play. Sometimes it is just there, and it is just so huge that you can’t even try to be a player. But now I am trying out for the game. The game is to break the rules up there, like “subtle bruises”; it often seems like as if it’s okay, but it still hurts. Rule #1: Preventing something is always safe. Everyone’s life is as steady as a rocking horse.

This needs to be completely revised, but I can't really think of a good way to revise it...