[Free Write] "The Sacred Moment"

           Because I could confidently state that I trusted people, especially those who were close to me, I expected them to be sincere all the time: one naïve belief before I entered KMLA. Probably as one natural step of growing up, I began to notice all the duplicity of people around me while living here for almost two years. The greater I became aware of other people’s discrepancy between their words and behavior, the harder I tried not to be like them.

             It was last September when I suddenly realized that I was becoming part of this KMLA family, in a bad sense. I was turning into a hypocrite acting like those whom I always looked down for being insincere. Sitting alone in the dark cafeteria, all the things I had done wrong passed me like a panorama. I sometimes talked back on my best friends while always smiling nicely in front of them. I sometimes pretended as if I did not know some important information for classes because I did not want my friends to be better than me. I sometimes soothed my friends crying for low grades while I felt rather relieved inside. I sometimes celebrated my friends’ prizes while being jealous of them. I couldn’t accept all the pretentious jobs I had committed, the times I deceived my friends and myself with my phony words.

             Perhaps, I just did not want to admit it, though I already knew that I had been acting that way; perhaps, that was why I reproached my friends for being phonies, justifying my own duplicity with superficial comfort. But frankly, I was a phony myself. For whatever reason I turned to be a hypocrite, or had originally been that way, I couldn’t let myself living like a charlatan as long as I realized my insincerity. Crying for several hours, I was so despondent that I couldn’t do anything. I felt like all my 18 years of “sincere life” had disappeared and I was a completely different person, apparently whom I never wanted to be. Without telling my friends, or anyone, “the truth”, I thought I could never be able to live as cheerfully as before.

             Despite all the embarrassment in doing so, I told three of my closest friends all the “insincere” memories I could remember. They didn’t say anything, but listened to me with all their eyes staring at me. After two hours of long conversation full of burning shames, they all gave me a big hug with tears. I waited them to reply, expecting some “No, you’re not a bad girl” or “Try not to repeat those things next time” in silence. In contrast to my anticipation, however, they said “That is natural. That’s how everyone lives. We’re all human beings. We can’t be as perfect as Jesus or anything.” Then each one of them told me her story, her confession of the things she committed insincerely. All the stories were almost identical (and identically embarrassing to tell).

             My friends consoled me not by saying some typical encouragement, but by helping me acknowledge that we were all the same and that I was nothing weird. They shared their own experience of being phonies, telling me not to be overly strict on my moral standards but to consider the natural insufficiency of humans, including myself. I was literally overwhelmed. I thanked the world for letting me have friends who were ready to disclose their most shameful stories to assuage their disheartened friend. I thanked my decision to talk to my friends with all my heart; or I might have lost all my faith forever.

             After this “sacred” moment of my life, I changed my view of looking at things. I still love people and believe in them, but in a different way. I realized that my previous belief in human was not a true love in mankind, but rather a forceful pressure for everyone to become sincere all the time. That false trust was what made me suspect other people and hate myself. I decided to love people the way they are, and live my life as sincerely as possible but not with too much discipline on every single aspect because “we’re all humans.”

Special thanks to Minjung Kang, Gyeongmin Lee, Eunji Lee, and Yoonju Chung, who have always been next to me in whatsoever situation